Fourth of July: C&H Style
by Gandalf15
Summary: Calvin and Hobbes have an Independence Day event! Nothing with that can possibly go wrong, right? (One-shot.)


_**The show begins...**_

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes are dressed extravagantly for the occasion. Calvin wears a loud Uncle Sam costume, complete with fake white beard. Hobbes wears a similar outfit, but all black, to resemble Abraham Lincoln.

Calvin: "Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Calvin and Hobbes Fourth of July Event!"

Hobbes: "What he means, of course, is welcome to the _Hobbes and Calvin_ Fourth of July Event!"

Calvin shoots Hobbes a death glare.

Calvin: " _Any_ way, this is Independence Day, and the celebrations have already begun –courtesy of Dad's grill."

The duo looks around Calvin's room, deluged in crumbs from buns of hamburgers and hot dogs, ketchup splatters, and flag-patterned cupcake wrappers.

Calvin: "Tonight, Mom and Dad wanna take us to the fireworks downtown. But I had a better idea: we'll set off our _own_ fireworks, right here in my room!"

Hobbes: "Um, Calvin, about that…"

Calvin: "Not now, Hobbes. As I was saying, we'll have our very own fireworks show! But, before we get to that, I will now explain the origins of this beloved holiday."

Calvin straightens up and clears his throat.

Calvin: "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there were a bunch of colonies in America. They were controlled by the British king, um… Arthur. Yeah, King Arthur ruled the colonies, even though he lived a gajillion miles away in England.

"Anyway, the people in the colonies got mad because of the king's taxes. Or axes. The king taxed their axes. And, I think something called "equation without characterization" played into it somewhere. So to get revenge, they built a giant cup of tea in Boston and put all of Arthur's tea into it.

"Then King Arthur got mad, so he sent down a bunch of troops and guns and tanks and bombs and missiles and stuff. There was this big fight, and entire valleys of weapons were forged. The Americans were led by Georgie Peorgie Washington. He crossed the entire state of Delaware just to fight! Entire Eventually, the Americans trapped the British at a big wall of corn, or something like that, and forced them to go back to England. And there was a big celebration, and Paul Revere gleefully rode across the countryside, handing out presents to all the good boys and girls. It was so much fun, they decided to celebrate every year on the Fourth of July, because… well, because. And that is the story of Independence Day."

Hobbes: "Er- Calvin? I don't really think that's how it-

Calvin: "And THAT is the story of Independence Day, _HOBBES_."

Hobbes: "All right, fine, whatever."

Calvin holds up a colonial rifle.

Calvin: "This is a genuine colonial rifle, the same kind they used during the Revolutionary War."

He gestures at the gun's various parts.

Calvin: "This part is the trigger. This part is the, um, bumpy-press-switch, obviously. Over here is the… er… thingamajiggit, and the slippy-slide, and the… combustion cavity."

Calvin grins smugly at having named the parts of the gun.

Hobbes: "…ooooooookay."

Calvin: "Yep, this baby here is the real-"

Calvin accidentally fires the gun! With a loud bang, the bullet hurtles through the open window.

Calvin and Hobbes stare after it.

Calvin: "…I hope Mom and Dad didn't hear that."

Hobbes: "…me too."

Calvin: "Good thing we didn't go with the cannon."

Calvin clears his throat.

Calvin: "Well, on with the show. We were _going_ to have our own parade, but nobody was interested in helping out, even after we offered to pay good money!"

Hobbes: "It was Monopoly money."

Calvin: "So, onto the grand finale! Let the fireworks begin!"

Calvin pulls out several fireworks from under his bed.

Calvin: "Hobbes, the matches please."

Hobbes hesitates.

Hobbes: "Are you sure this is such a good idea?"

Calvin: "Of course I'm sure! Gimme the matches, will ya?"

Hobbes shrugs.

Hobbes: "Okay."

Hobbes gives Calvin the box of matches. Calvin dramatically pulls one out, strikes it, and puts it to the wicks of the rockets.

A few moments of quiet, except for near-silent hissing.

Then, the fireworks suddenly come alive and fly off in all directions, exploding in color and making deafening shrill whistles. Some explode on the walls of Calvin's room, others fly out the door into the rest of the house.

Calvin and Hobbes cry out and dance around, ducking the explosions, fire, and debris.

Two enraged voices come from downstairs.

Mom & Dad: " _CAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLVIIIIIIIIIINNN!_ "

Calvin "Augh! Uh, well, that's our - _ow!_ \- show! Happy Fourth of July! C'mon, Hobbes, we've gotta get out of here!"

Calvin and Hobbes ditch their costumes and make a break for it as Mom and Dad come pounding up the stairs.

Calvin: "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

* * *

 _ **-The End-**_

 _ **Happy Independence Day, everyone!**_


End file.
